Over the last few days I've been thinking a lot. No just because I got a few midterms this week, but also just about myself in general. I've been thinking a lot of stuff that I need to be improving in my life, my study habits, my eating habits, my exercise habits, my time with God habits. The more I thought about it the more I realized how irritated all of it was making me. I have NO reason to be irritated at all. Not in the slightest.
I got to see Sunny for the first time in a while and it really did make me calmer, being with someone I loved. But now as I sit here, I ask myself, do I have the same feeling and the same excitement with God? I know life comes with its ebbs and flows and I've been on a really good ebb since the new year started, but even with my increased happiness and behaving myself (the end of this month will be an entire month without pulling) and not lusting, I still fell when I saw Sunny, making him fall too.
Am I not trusting God enough with myself and even with constant telling myself no and don't do it, don't think those thoughts hand them to God, pray for him to take those thoughts and fill me with better more productive ones, I still fell.
I have put myself back on the hamster wheel that I was on during 2012. I guess I'm just disappointed with myself in that aspect because I know it's nothing that God did that caused me to act upon my thoughts, it was entirely me. How am I supposed to spend time with someone I love without hurting them? Without touching Sunny or kissing him at all so that I don't make either of us fall? Without getting irritated at my brother when he's trying to talk to me about something that I don't care about because he misses me when I'm at school? Without getting pissed off at a friend because of some of the things that she says to me that hurt me when that's just the way she says things?
Ruthie Dean had a post that talks about the immodest dress and how we should better address approaching girls and women lovingly that sometimes what they wear isn't appropriate and in cases men stumble on their dress, but also it isn't completely the woman's responsibility whether the man stumble.
(In my opinion us women/girls, need to dress more modest, not only to help us focus on the inside rather than the outside, but also to help men stay on track with their purity and the purity of women as well.)
But as I read that post, other than Sunny (who most of the time when we do fall is my fault), I thought to myself that I have never been a person to cause someone to stumble like that. And you can read my comment as to what I responded, but I basically said that I've never been complimented on my body, and in fact most of the time especially growing up I've been an object of repulsion. People trying to avoid me because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, and a multitude of reasons.
Right now what I'm having a hard time trying to get past is how can I at least get back to my high school weight effectively without starving myself or over exercising and how bad I feel because I've been gluttonous and that's the only reason why I have been fat and exasperated the problem after my bike accident.
And I know it's gotten a lot worse because even Sunny doesn't even compliment even my face anymore unless I put on make up.
I am sorry to hear of your struggles with temptation, just remember we are all human - and therefore we sin and fall short of the glory of God. Repent, give it to God (AGAIN), and try again next time. It is amazing how much grace God has for us sinners. Each time we fail, we have the option of His forgiveness and strength to start over. How glorious is that? One thing you'll notice, too, is how it gets easier each time to overcome the temptation. Be it anger, lust, hopelessness... Etc. As you actively seek to follow God and please Him, He will bless you for that. Keep trying, keep turning to Him in times of failure. He's there for you and won't let you down.
ReplyDeleteOn the weight struggles side of things, I know where you are coming from. It is SO hard being uncomfortable in your own skin, and when that's the case, you think others see you that way too. I just wanted to give you some nutrition info that changed my life. I have been struggling with weight since I had my daughter (she is now 2.5yrs and I am pregnant with daughter number 2!)and I know once this baby is born I will struggle again, BUT this time around I know what I will be doing to help myself lose the weight and get my self-esteem back. http://whole9life.com/category/whole-30/
This is a hardcore approach to eating Paleo, and it is NOT for everyone. I'm fully aware of this. But it is working wonders for my husband and I and is just too good not to share. I did the Whole30 last year and lost 13lbs without exercise. Even if the Whole30 is too much adopting this way of eating (or as close to it as you can get) is so wonderful. (Lol, I totally sound like a commercial or salesperson right now!) You feel satisfied after each meal, not over full. You don't crave sugar, or salt, or whatever your "pitfall" is. I have not been paleo this pregnancy due to physical issues that keep me from being on my feet much at all (and this type of eating requires planning and prep) and I am suffering for it. I can't wait to get back to it!! This cookbook changed my life as well http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/
It makes eating this way easy and approachable.
Even if you decide to not go this route I wanted to give you something to check out, at least! And to let you know you're not alone in your struggles, not by a long shot. :)
Blessings, continue to love God and seek Him and He will not leave you.
The "cookbook" I linked is actually a blog (oops!). But HER cookbook "Well Fed" is what I was talking about. You can find it on Amazon. Her blog is amazing too, though.
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