Forgiveness, accountability, and finally starting to look forward at being a Disciple.

As I have probably mentioned before, I have become a part of a youth group at school and I absolutely love it. It really has been a home away from home for me. I like Jason and his wife Charisma, and their two adorable little boys. I love the group's intern Liza, and just everyone in the group. Took Jiminy to it a few times and another friend. And a classmate of mine is in the group too! So for the past quarter I have been participating with the big groups and the women's bible study that is held at Jason and Charisma's house.

Just last week Jason asked me to meet up with him here at the school and talk with him one on one. He wanted to know more about me and what made me me in a sense I suppose. So I ended up telling him the majority of my life story, how I met Sunny, how I became a Christian, my relationship with my parents, my major habitual sins and brought up memories through talking with him that I haven't thought about in years.

I cried. He prayed for me, and then we parted. I thought about what he had to say in terms of how happy he was to have me as a part of the group and what a resource I was to the group, even though all that I do is attend and worship. Then last night I also went to the prayer meeting and prayed with them all, and they prayed for me too. The words that came to my mouth I can confidently say did not come from me. I felt the Holy Spirit fill me and cover me when I brought about the verses in Jeremiah. I lost my breath several times, tears welled up in my eyes, and my hands went numb. I could no longer feel them touching my brothers' hands.

Yesterday I fasted as to the advice of my groundwire.net mentor Chris, who I've been emailing back and forth for the last few days. I told him some of the things that's been weighing my heart down and he gave me several instructions. and every time he replies he gives me a new passage to read to help me. And he really is a blessing. The past few days have been mostly up but there have been a few downs, but I know God is there. He's always there, he never left, I did.

I've been praying for my position with the possible internship, with next quarter, with making disciples here at school. I'm excited to see who I can touch as much as Chris, Sunny, Jason, Charisma, ChachaBoo, PB&J, among other Christian friends that have helped me in my walk.

I plan to continue going deeper and rooting out the sin as much as I possibly can with the help of God and slowly I'm going to try and open up to those who are close to me in how I'm feeling and start really for sure, not just saying it to say it, but work on becoming holier, becoming a woman of God, someone that Sunny would want to marry not just someone who happens to be in a relationship with him based on the flesh.

God brought us together, God held us through some pretty hard times over the last 2 and a halfish years. I know that He wants us together, but my behavior towards Sunny among many other things in my life like pulling my hair and feeling sorry for myself and feeling insecure have got to stop and got to change. I got to stop hitting rock bottom. I got to start holding my own and show everyone that I can do this through Christ that I don't need anything else but Him, that he is the weaver of my fate. He puts these things good and bad in my life so that I can draw closer to Him and praise him.

I need Him, and you do too, whether you know it or not. If you have any questions my email is on my blogger profile or leave a comment and I'll try and answer questions. If I don't know right off the bat I can help find the information for you.

Till next time.

What I CAN do

It's been 2 weeks since I've been home. I've done 2 midterms and finals are fast approaching. My parents got me a new laptop because the one I have currently is starting to degrade (but is still usable) so I have to wait and see about that situation.

Oh and I may have an internship waiting for me...in an actual lab! I'm so excited to see what is to come of that. Even if it's not going to work out the fact that I got positive response from someone finally is a good sign! Still waiting to hear back from my response from him but I'm being optimistic about it.

Sunny and I have been well. Lately I have been down with the stress of the tests and wondering whether I'd get an internship. And I think my prayers about that are going to be answered soon. I am nervous about the tests that the professor said I need to do for him. He said they were problem solving tests and one is timed and one isn't. Along with a face to face interview.

I read a post from Lauren Nicole about creativity and it really made me realize how much I have missed taking the time to actually write down and start/continue/finish the myriad of story ideas that I have in my noggin.

I guess now that I think about it. If the whole lab research as a career happens, or it doesn't. I've thought about it and I really could do a lot of things to make a living. I'm good at being a tutor, so I could do that, I could be a lab assistant, I could work in a multitude of places that I think that I will be happy with. Even if it's being a Pharmacy Technician, maybe I could be like Temperance Brennan in Bones and be an author on the side.

I guess thinking about this and seeing the potential that my talents and skills can do and get me anywhere, even if I move with a church plant if that is in my future, whether that it is with me or doing it with my future husband (if Sunny is called to do that and if we get married), that I'll be okay. I need to start learning to be more flexible and focus on God. To focus on what I can do rather than what I can't do.

I need to start focusing on enjoying the moment, enjoying my time now or else when this time does come to pass I won't be able to look back on it and see what a great opportunity it was to be a part of this school. One of the top 10 in the world! God has really blessed me with allowing me to be here, to live where I'm living, to be with the people I'm with, with my physical and mental abilities.

I need to stop comparing myself to other people around me. They have a different plan than mine, a different path that God (willingly or unwillingly if they don't believe in God) is taking them on. I'm different. I'm unique.

Thinking about my future in school/job

It's been several days since the last time I've posted and well, haven't really been all that productive. As the end of this session draws nearer, I realize I'm nowhere even close to getting into a lab for an internship so I can start getting experience and I have no idea whether I wanna go to grad school and if so which on and study what, or get a job. (Both of which I need research experience to do).

I don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't have the gumption, the drive to go past my bachelor's degree. I don't know if I can handle doing anything really. The things that I know I can handle, tutoring, and probably be a professional organizer, but what really could I accomplish that is within my major that will help me make a living and get started on my work experience?

I know I need to start emailing all the professors on campus and start trying to meet with them and see if I can just start out with their research, but when I found out actually what grad school is about, researching my own project. What the heck would I research on my own? I don't do well doing unknown stuff on my own. I really don't. The only reason why I got through OChem lab is my wonderful partner.

The only reason why I did so well when I worked in the Chemistry prep room was because I had done most of this stuff before and I was directed for a while being trained by someone I already knew. The thought of being trained by someone I'm not even sure if our personalities will mesh, scares me.

The only professor that I feel comfortable being in their lab is my current Biochemistry professor and he said that he can't take in anyone new right now. I'm scared of meeting new authority figures and being criticized. I'm at a prestigious research institute and I'm a 3rd year with no actual research experience, a lot of people in my year and major have at least some. My grades are below the average, and I feel lonely and not sure I can do it.

I know that God can do anything and He has a plan, but I'm scared about what is next to come in my future.

I know I will end up being the breadwinner in the family if/when I get married and trying to think of a job, a career that can support a family one day, is scary.

I almost wish that I had more connections to do something even if it is just a radio show or being an assistant.  I don't know if I can handle being a leader that everyone sees me to be.

By a personality test I took on a grad school database website it says I'm a perfectionist and a loyalist. It's pretty true. I don't know if I can handle the future.

Weekend fun

This weekend has been pretty jam packed. I had some computer drama (and still do). One part is bad and one isn't too bad, but along with trying to study for a midterm I have in a few days among the pressure of feeling like I was in trouble with my computer, I developed anxiety, to the point where I didn't want to eat it was so bad.

For the last couple of days my devotional has been telling me that God is in control and I will get a lot more done, more peacefully, if I spend more time with him and focus on His peace. He is in control and everything will work out one way or another because He is God. Most of Saturday I had to continually remind myself of that and keep in mind that everything will work out. My computer will stay stationary at my desk during the week and when I go home I'm gonna bring it in my big laptop bag (to prevent the bad trouble from getting worse). But even then, the "bad" problem isn't so bad and can be fixed, I just need to get the screen replacement ordered so I don't lose my screen visibility.

On Sunday when I woke up and started to get anxious again about the computer, getting my work done, and understanding the things I need to understand for the test, I read that part in the devotional about spending more time with Him. Lately I've been working (slowly) backwards through the Old Testament books and I am currently working through Jeremiah. I read chapters 10-11 and it was something I really needed to hear, especially chapter 10:

"Hear the word that the Lord speaks to you, O Israel! This is what the Lord says:

'Do not act like the other nations, who try to read their future in the starts. Do not be afraid of their predictions, even though other nations are terrified by them. Their ways are futile and foolish. They cut down a tree, and a craftsman carves an idol. They decorate it with gold and silver and then fasten it securely with hammer and nails so it won't fall over. Their gods are like helpless scarecrows in a cucumber field! They cannot speak, and they need to be carried because they cannot walk. Do not be afraid of such gods, for they can neither harm you nor do you any good.'

Lord, there is no one like you! For you are great, and your name is full of power. Who would not fear you, O King of nations? That title belongs to you alone! Among all the wise people of the earth and in all the kingdoms of the world, there is no one like you. People who worship idols are stupid and foolish. The things they worship are made of wood! They bring beaten sheets of silver from Tarshish and gold from Uphaz, and they give these materials to skillful craftsmen who make their idols. Then they dress these gods in royal blue and purple robes made by expert tailors. But the Lord is the only true God. He is the living God and the everlasting King! The whole earth trembles at his anger. The nations cannot stand up to his wrath.

Say this to those who worship other gods: 'Your so-called gods, who did not make the heavens and earth, will vanish from the earth and from under the heavens.'

But God made the earth by his power, and he preserves it by his wisdom. With his own understanding he stretched out the heavens. When he speaks in the thunder, the heavens roar with rain. He causes the clouds to rise over the earth. He sends the lightning with the rain and releases the wind from his storehouses. The whole human race is foolish and has no knowledge! The craftsmen are disgraced by the idols they make, for their carefully shaped works area  fraud. These idols have no breath or power. Idols are worthless; they are ridiculous lies! On the day of reckoning they will all be destroyed. But the God of Israel is no idol! He is the Creator of everything that exists, including Israel, his own special possession. The Lord of Heaven's Armies is his name!

Pack your bags and prepare to leave; the siege is about to begin. For this is what the Lord says:

'Suddenly, I will fling out all you who live in this land. I will pour great troubles upon you, and at last you will feel my anger.'

My wound is severe, and my grief is great. My sickness is incurable, but I must bear it. My home is gone, and no one is left to help me rebuild it. My children have been taken away, and I will never see them again. The shepherds of my people have lost their senses. They no longer seek wisdom from the Lord. Therefore, they fail completely, and their flocks are scattered. Listen! Hear the terrifying roar of great armies as they roll down from the north. The towns of Judah will be destroyed and become haunt for jackals.

I know, Lord, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our course. So correct me, Lord but please be gentle. Do not correct me in anger, for I would die. Pour out your wrath on the nations that refuse to acknowledge you-on the peoples that do not call upon your name. For they have devoured your people Israel; they have devoured and consumed them, making the land a desolate wilderness."

The parts I have in bold are the ones that stood out to me the most yesterday, but I put in the whole chapter so that you can see the context. If I keep God as my center, look towards His wisdom and power, then my computer, this test, my daily work doesn't matter, He has it taken care of and I have nothing to worry about or any need to worry. I am His lamb and He is my shepard, he is leading me the narrow path that is my own and my own alone.

"But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are." Romans 3:21-22

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"Give all your worries and care to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

So I guess that was what all I really wanted to say. That I'm slowly but surely learning how to walk this path without causing myself harm in any sense, or harming anyone else. By being the person God wants me to be, whether I really know what that is or not. I have no idea how these events will turn out, and right now I'd say that it's not good, but that's me saying it not God.

After all (after taking a personality test on a grad school website) I am a perfectionist...and a loyalist, so it makes sense that because everything isn't perfect that I am freaking out, or at least suppressing myself from freaking out at this point.

Till next time.

Relationship questions

Sunny came up to see me this weekend which was nice so I didn't have to worry about coming back up at a certain time, and he spent the night so we got to spend almost an entire day together, which isn't very common. There are a few things that I have been wondering lately. It seems like every time I see him he's irritated or grumpy at something (not me) and at times it makes me feel shut out.

I'm a very affectionate person, hugs, kisses, hand holding, cuddling, and even though he does do those things, there are a lot of times where he doesn't and he tells me that sometimes certain things happen and he becomes insecure to touch me, but in turn it makes me feel insecure that it's me, because most of the time he doesn't tell me what's going on. And even though it was really nice to see him, there were a lot of times where he seemed disinterested and it made me feel insecure to talk.

We talked a little after he left about things and really even though he made a point to say I was pretty via text (which hasn't happened in a long while), I'm still concerned about if I've been thinking too much about all this, and maybe thought having someone else's opinion would help me realize how I should change my ways to help make our relationship better.

Like should I stop trying so hard to physically touch him? Should I not text him so much with stuff to say and have him call/video call me once in a while? How do I get over these stupid insecurities?

Well I guess this is like a filler post so go on continue to move along and go on about your lives.

Hope your day is blessed.

True Feelings 1-28-13

Over the last few days I've been thinking a lot. No just because I got a few midterms this week, but also just about myself in general. I've been thinking a lot of stuff that I need to be improving in my life, my study habits, my eating habits, my exercise habits, my time with God habits. The more I thought about it the more I realized how irritated all of it was making me. I have NO reason to be irritated at all. Not in the slightest.

I got to see Sunny for the first time in a while and it really did make me calmer, being with someone I loved. But now as I sit here, I ask myself, do I have the same feeling and the same excitement with God? I know life comes with its ebbs and flows and I've been on a really good ebb since the new year started, but even with my increased happiness and behaving myself (the end of this month will be an entire month without pulling) and not lusting, I still fell when I saw Sunny, making him fall too.

Am I not trusting God enough with myself and even with constant telling myself no and don't do it, don't think those thoughts hand them to God, pray for him to take those thoughts and fill me with better more productive ones, I still fell.

I have put myself back on the hamster wheel that I was on during 2012. I guess I'm just disappointed with myself in that aspect because I know it's nothing that God did that caused me to act upon my thoughts, it was entirely me. How am I supposed to spend time with someone I love without hurting them? Without touching Sunny or kissing him at all so that I don't make either of us fall? Without getting irritated at my brother when he's trying to talk to me about something that I don't care about because he misses me when I'm at school? Without getting pissed off at a friend because of some of the things that she says to me that hurt me when that's just the way she says things?

Ruthie Dean had a post that talks about the immodest dress and how we should better address approaching girls and women lovingly that sometimes what they wear isn't appropriate and in cases men stumble on their dress, but also it isn't completely the woman's responsibility whether the man stumble.

(In my opinion us women/girls, need to dress more modest, not only to help us focus on the inside rather than the outside, but also to help men stay on track with their purity and the purity of women as well.)

But as I read that post, other than Sunny (who most of the time when we do fall is my fault), I thought to myself that I have never been a person to cause someone to stumble like that. And you can read my comment as to what I responded, but I basically said that I've never been complimented on my body, and in fact most of the time especially growing up I've been an object of repulsion. People trying to avoid me because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, and a multitude of reasons.

Right now what I'm having a hard time trying to get past is how can I at least get back to my high school weight effectively without starving myself or over exercising and how bad I feel because I've been gluttonous and that's the only reason why I have been fat and exasperated the problem after my bike accident.

And I know it's gotten a lot worse because even Sunny doesn't even compliment even my face anymore unless I put on make up.

Life and Death.

There comes a point in everyone's life where they think about everything from all the bad, the good, and the what ifs. What if this bad thing didn't happen? What if I had done something else to make that situation come out to a better outcome? What could I have done to help save that person from killing themselves or hurting themselves?

Lately those have been the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head. Since I have come back to school my outlook of life in general has gotten a lot more positive because I've been keeping my eyes towards God like I should have been doing from square one. I am trying to be more like Peter, keeping my eyes on Jesus as I step out into the murky, treacherous waves that is life. Right now, I'm feeling strong about whatever is to come. I do however, pray that nothing terribly bad does happen like any more suicides or deaths or serious injuries to the ones I love.

This month marks the 1 year anniversary where my best friend Sissy's father jumped off a building and took his own life. And just before that anniversary hit, Sissy's brother, JJ's best friend from high school, took his own life the same way.

With as of now, to my knowledge, 5 shootings have happened in the last probably 6 weeks. Sandy hook, Taft High School, one in Kentucky, St. Louis, and Houston. Along with the shootings that I have been around to somewhat witness, the Batman movie, Virginia Tech, and a couple others. I really see how our world is turning for the worse. Do we really have to set expectations of people so high, and/or not give them the counselling help they need to prevent these things from happening?

At school last week, the Pro Life club surveyed whoever walked by the quad asking people whether abortion should be illegal. And just hearing some of the commentary that my peers were saying about abortion and about the club downright disgusted me. How would you feel if your mother didn't value the life that she was carrying and aborted you? They judged and ridiculed this club for simply voicing their opinions on what they felt was right, providing posters and pamphlets with facts about embryos and the life cycle of a fetus as it turns into a child, that life in fact does start at conception. Why should an innocent life be terminated?

I understand the general concern about rape and incest, but really if God wanted that life to come, He has a purpose for that life. We may not be able to understand why He may let things like rape and incest happen and then have a child procured because of it, but what if you were that child?

Knowing from personal experience how my views have changes since becoming a Christian, and thinking about the things I know, it makes me sad. I think about the lives of all the unborn children, both for the miscarriages, the born that didn't make it pass infancy, and of course those that were terminated. In one way I guess I can say that if I were an abortion or a miscarriage, that God planned for that to happen so that I could have come into existence but then immediately spend eternity with him, but even the, his design was for us to live before we die and live forever with him and our Savior Jesus. At least that's how I see it.

What really else can I say about this? This world doesn't value life as much as it should. The unborn, the existing, and the lives that have come to pass. Life is a gift from God. He formed you in your mother's womb and new everything that was is and is to come of you. He wants you alive to build a relationship with Him, he wants you and me to walk the narrow road, to walk the waters to God, to Jesus.

Nothing in this life really matters except the lives that we touch with the ultimate love of God. I just wish that I can help people better understand on how God wants us to truly feel about the things he created, the rules he set down, and how deep he really does love us.

Even when we don't feel it.

I do pray that all those that have come to pass whether at their own hand or the hand of someone else that they truly did accept Jesus and are with God right now in heaven. For we are all His children, and at our own time He wants us all to come home.

Till next time.